"Eliot House sucks big donkey dicks."

Or so Ben Folds claims at the end of this song, inspired by a beach ball tossed onstage during his concert this evening. Kudos to those who didn't screw up their shot at landing a quality performer this time around.

And now, for no reason at all...

In Mexico, the bread is made by Bimbo.

C for Cookie

Some of the voices could've been better (looking at you, Elmo), but this is still splendid:

Ladies and gentlemen...

Your 2006 graduate orator. Get excited.

Ah, the good old days

Single tear.

Father Judge actually knew Patrick Fitzgerald slightly; who was two years ahead of him in school. Fitzgerald was--no surprise here--on the debate team. Father Judge was on the speech team. Among other things, the school, Judge pointed out, won its 17th State Speech championish [sic] this year: "Our kids are kinda geeks," he said, "Not very good at sports, but good at things like speech and debate."

You kick my dog...

I'm going to [expletive] your daughter. You know damn well what I'm talking about! On a completely unrelated note, damn you, New Jersey Devils. Damn you.

"Repeat after me, bitch"

"I come in the name of Jesus!" And in the name of not doing things "whitey's way," apparently. Also, I can't be sure, but I think this cable access preacher takes a call from Satan midway through the program. One day, I'm going to call the provided phone number tomorrow, I think. Best line: "Bitch, I'm flowin' straight from the survival scroll! Cut that bitch off!"

Midgets, fighting

Arguably the greatest video ever. Wait, who am I kidding? There's no way there's a counter-argument.

David Copperfield foils robbery!

Sort of.

As cool as the other side of the pillow

An NCAA-styled bracket featuring the most annoying/overplayed SportsCenter catchphrases ever. Stuart Scott, you're going down.

By the way, Kevin Mench, you didn't think to get your foot remeasured before I cut you from my fantasy team? You are the worst.

Things haven't changed

But intramural softball writeups seem to have gotten a bit out of hand.

On a completely unrelated subject, I too am thrilled about the dawn of PTI podcasts, but am quite disturbed by the Barbara Streisand lovefest Kornheiser and Wilbon partook in towards the end of yesterday's show.

They said they'd do better next time, and they have.

Pardon the Interruption is now available as a podcast. I'm not sure how to describe how awesome this is.

Can you say "Snakes On A Plane"?

Imagine my surprise when I showed up to a lecture I have not attended in weeks only to be treated to a Q&A with one of the producers responsible for...Snakes On A Plane! The film, currently slated for an August release, did indeed reshoot for five days to incorporate fan-generated material circulating on the internet.

Other notes of interest: the film was given the green light because of its title ("I went to my boss and said, 'We have to do this! It's SNAKES ON A PLANE!'"), the producers opposed changing the title (contrary to what Samuel L. Jackson claims, so it's fair to assume the producer was lying), and the story was scrapped and rewritten eight--yes, eight--times before New Line was satisfied that it could go forward. Apparently, no one was ever really satisfied with why there were snakes on the plane to begin with. I'm glad they settled on the mob-witness angle instead of the research experiment gone awry.

Holy balls, it's Camp Candy

Found this on youtube. I can only assume that the people who posted it were its copyright holders. Many of you may not remember this. All you need to know is that John Candy once had a cartoon show in which he played a camp counselor. Here is one episode.

There are no words

WARNING: The following video is quite humorous. I recommend you stop eating or drinking prior to viewing, else you will choke. Put away all dangerous items, as you will only harm yourself after you lose control of your extremities.

There are, as I said, no words.

Curb jobs and such

You've no doubt already seen this clip of a FoxNews reporter's slip up. Still worthwhile though.

Oh yes. Still good.

How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got Her Ass Busted for Plagiarism

Uh-oh. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

This couldn't possibly be real.

Or could it? Either way, this car dealership ad is mildly amusing.

It's certainly enticing. I have the feeling that I might be able to fulfill the no down payment requirements.

Ladies and gentlemen...

EDIT: I have decided to take the anti-Mets video down. It saddens me. My blog shouldn't sadden me. That said, I do appreciate Tim's birthday wishes.

-mb, 4/22/06.

A new brilliant blog

Awesome concept. Haven't read enough to get a sense of the execution yet.

I'm so excited, I'm so excited...

Etc.

Cows

It's really long.

I don't mean to make this a recurring theme...

But I couldn't resist. Here they are: Condoms for morons.

Actually, I guess this is in everyone's best interest. Those who can't figure out how to put on a regular condom are precisely the people who ought to be using them in the first place, I'd imagine. Way to go, science.

Zazoo advertisement

This ad is fairly clever, though I'm 99 percent sure I'd have dragged the kid from the store and spanked him back in line well before the punchline was delivered, were I the parent in question. Well, that's Europe for you. Or something.

The Onion... Good Lord

Okay, I know this is old. But it is the most tactless, and consequently one of the funniest, Onion bits I've ever seen. Ready? Wow.

And for those of you who don't know: Here.

Yeah. They went there.

Horrible. And more horrible that I cannot stop laughing.

There's no escaping the WNBA

The WNBA is celebrating its 10th anniversary this season. How do I know this? Because every time I listen to streaming audio of Rangers games over the internet said fact is jammed down my throat during commercial breaks.

You know, it's bad enough that this sort of funny business goes on during NBA games. The league should know by now that none of the middle-aged men kicking back with a beer to watch the game of the week on ABC is going to shell out the cash to watch 10 awkward women play a sport they're not all that good at in the first place. And that's even before accounting for the fact that said ladies will probably celebrate if anyone on either team manages to "dunk" without hurting herself. But if you're watching the NBA, you can at least prepare yourself. You know this lousy sales pitch is coming.

But I'm not ready for it. I'm listening to the NHL! I'm not aware of what looms just beyond the start of the commercial break, and, without warning, there it is: Some poor sap claiming he remembers exactly where he was when the New York Liberty scored a critical bucket to advance to the league championship some years ago. He even remembers the date. Then another guy claiming he too recalls the precise day on which the Liberty did something else not worth remembering. He and his daughter jumped up and down so violently that they broke a vase sitting on a nearby table. Of course, this man is obviously lying. Studies have actually shown that anyone virile enough to produce viable offspring is genetically incapable of watching the WNBA, let alone being excited by said fact. So either this guy's wife cheated on him, or he's simply not telling the truth, whoring himself out to the detriment of us all. Either way, I hate the WNBA.

UPDATE: The first guy was actually in attendance at the first Liberty game at MSG. He reports that he had goosebumps and that it was "more than just a game." The narrator wraps up the ad with a voiceover in which she claims, "The WNBA: 10 years, and so much more." I will now throw up in my mouth.

TomKat Update!

More on what will no doubt prove to be one very screwed up child.

The Tomkitten has arrived. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes...had a baby girl Tuesday, said Cruise spokesman Arnold Robinson. The baby, named Suri, weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and measured 20 inches long, he said.

The name Suri has its origins in Hebrew, meaning "princess," or in Persian, meaning "red rose," the statement said.

Additional details on the "silent" birth and the fate of the placenta were not disclosed. Too bad. I'm actually quite curious as to why the security guards were videotaping the journalists camped outside Casa de Crazy. Sigh.

Auditioning to be a commentator on FoxNews?

This could be a over-the-top parody of FoxNews, but I'm going to go ahead and say that it isn't, and this guy's just offering up his best impression of Sean Hannity. A little scary, to be sure, but not that much more frightening than watching the real thing.

His vote counts just as much as yours, by the way.

The Anti-Christ is born

The as-yet-unnamed Cruise-Holmes spawn was delivered earlier today. No word on whether Cruise made good on his promise to eat the placenta. More to follow, I'm sure.

Months late, but still awesome.

Jonelle sent me word of an event I may have to attend.

Nicholas Cage doing...something

Midway through season two of HBO's "Entourage," movie star Vincent Chase is forced to shoot a foreign commercial to pay off his debts, which had spiraled wildly out of control after a film contract offer was pulled. Though hesitant at first, he eventually relents because his agent assures him it will never appear on American soil. Well, thanks to YouTube, the same can no longer be said of Nicholas Cage's crappy overseas endeavors.

It's bad enough that the ad makes no sense, but Cage's acting is pretty lousy, too.

Can't say I'm the slightest bit surprised

Remember when Tom Cruise used to be not crazy? Yeah, neither can I. At least not any more. There was once a time I'd never have believed this, but that's no longer the case.

Tom Cruise has claimed he will eat the placenta after fiancée Katie Holmes has their baby.

The actor, 43—who wants her to give birth in silence according to his Scientology cult rules—said: “I’m gonna eat the placenta, too."

“I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.”

But when a GQ magazine interviewer said it would be a big meal, Cruise replied: “OK, maybe I won’t.”

I think it's safe to say that Tom Cruise has lost his mind. Again.

That video was right

As previously suggested on this page, the Easter Bunny does indeed kick ass 364 days a year, getting in his last licks just one day before the celebration of the resurrection here.

Portis on Portis

As seen on Deadspin, Clinton Portis waxes poetic on pornography, strip clubs, sex tapes, and all things X-rated. You know, it's too bad Portis is locked into an eight-year deal with the Redskins. A larger media market would in all likelihood elevate him to a whole new level of crazy. Good crazy. Genius crazy. But still crazy.

Rims?

Rims.

Brave new world

Attorneys for the U.S. Attorney's office in Seattle recently secured a warrant that would allow them to seize two defendants' grills following their arrests for drug- and weapons-related crimes, apparently not realizing that these particular grills were permanently bonded to said individuals' teeth. One outside expert was particularly hyperbolic in his condemnation of the government's behavior:

"I've been doing this for over 30 years and I have never heard of anything like this," said Richard J. Troberman, a forfeiture specialist and past president of the Washington Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers. "It sounds like Nazi Germany when they were removing the gold teeth from the bodies, but at least then they waited until they were dead."

Lest he be outdone, the gold-toothed duo's attorney remarked: "It's shocking that this kind of action by the federal government could be sought and accomplished in secret, without anyone being notified. It reminds me of the secret detentions [in terrorist cases]."

The government abandoned its efforts to seize the grills after learning they were not of the retainer variety.

Monkeys, money, and prostitution

The authors of Freakonomics now have a regular column in the New York Times Magazine. This week, they addressed ongoing studies concerning capuchin monkeys and their understanding of money. Of course, once conditioned to treat silver coins as currency, the monkeys stole, cheated, and whored themselves out, proving once and for all that a planet of the apes would be no better than the one we currently inhabit.

Laser Cats

I'm not even sure that this is all that funny, and it certainly lacks the originality of their first effort, but these digital shorts are the only sketches on SNL worth watching at this point.

UPDATE: NBC has had this video removed from YouTube for copyright infringement. You know, you'd think that a network languishing in or near last place would take all the free advertising it could get, particularly for a show that has been pretty crappy for, what, five years running? Laser cats can now be seen here.

Another sequel - NBA Bitches Vol. 2: Yao Ming

The guys who did NBA Bitches Vol. 1: Shawn Bradley were serious:

It includes another "main bitch" sequence, but not Shaq this time. And it promises Vol. 3: Greg Ostertag. That might be the best one of all.

Mice strike back

What, motherfucker?

Man v. Hooters

A former assistant manager of an Alabama Hooters restaurant is suing his former employer for wrongful termination after blowing the whistle on a consultant who advised waitresses to spice up their service.

In his April 7 U.S. District Court complaint...the 31-year-old Gray claims that a trainer named Cat told waitresses that they were "the ones with the pussys [sic] and you are in control because of that." Then she reportedly added, "If you need the extra money, go ahead and suck a dick or fuck a customer if the money is right."

I'm relatively confident that the decision in this case will someday be referred to as "the 21st-century Lochner." Regardless, this whole mess, at the very least, kind of makes you wonder what the servers at the Acapulco Hooters we decided not to eat at a couple of weeks ago were instructed to do for that extra peso.

The Easter Bunny hates you...

Come to think of it, I have always wondered what the Easter Bunny is up to the rest of the year...

I found that far more enjoyable than I should have.

No witty header here

This is just depressing.

A father is accused of punching his 9-year-old son after a baseball game, apparently because he was upset by his son's performance.

The boy suffered a black eye and bruises, according to a police report filed by the boy's mother. The mother took out a protection order, and according to that affidavit, the father swung his right fist at the boy while they were riding home in the car after a baseball game. The boy had struck out twice in the game.

The report said the boy suffered a fat lip, black eye, bruised brow and bruised ear. The mother said she confronted her husband and asked him what she should tell the boy's teachers. He allegedly said to tell them that the boy doesn't listen.

Fantastic.

Bonds under investigation for perjury

Barry Bonds recorded his first RBI of the season in Game 1 of the Giants-Padres doubleheader today. Through six games, he is batting a meager .188 with three runs scored and zero home runs. And that's nowhere near the worst of it.

CNN reported earlier today that Bonds is potentially under investigation for false statements given to the grand jury during the BALCO investigation. The report is rather vague on the details. The U.S. Attorney refused comment and Bonds' lawyer seemed to have no idea anything was in the works, but we should be in store for quite an episode of "Bonds on Bonds" this week. Or not.

Then there's this.

Real original. Yeah, I know. But it's a different breed of centipede. And a far more compelling chase. So there you go.

Comedy Central disappoints again

Comedy Central has had a decidedly European sensibility about it as of late, come to think of it. Though I've never found the religious satire of Matt Stone and Trey Parker to be particularly funny, at least they've always proven themselves to be equal opportunity offenders. Until now, that is, thanks to their censors.

Comedy Central said in a statement issued Thursday: "In light of recent world events, we feel we made the right decision." Its executives would not comment further.

As is often the case with Parker and Stone, they built "South Park" around the incident. In Wednesday's episode, the character Kyle is shown trying to persuade a Fox network executive to air an uncensored "Family Guy" even though it had an image of Mohammed.

"Either it's all OK, or none of it is," Kyle said. "Do the right thing."

The executive decides to strike a blow for free speech and agrees to show it. But at the point where Mohammed is to be seen, the screen is filled with the message: "Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Mohammed on their network."

Fear not, though. God, Jesus, Moses and all the rest of the gang are still fair game this holiday season.

Pat Stango, Hidden Camera Guy

Okay, so I'll still be posting some here and there. Here is a video by a friend of mine, Pat Stango:

You feel cheaper for laughing, don't you? But you can't help it.

This was probably a mistake...

I was going to post a different video of a centipede devouring a helpless mouse—if only to ease the transition—but thought better of it in the end. Here, instead, are the introductions from the best and worst television shows of the '70s, '80s, and '90s, as well as a selection of public service spots from the same stretch, highlighted by a rather unfortunate crystal meth warning.

Also, it seems Kevin Smith has run out of money.

In a move I will surely regret...

...I'm inviting TJM to guest blog for me for a couple weeks while I attempt to graduate.

Know how they say death comes in threes?

This can't be a good time to be one of the other two Pointer Sisters.

Terrible. Here, let me make up for it: Read Gary Smith's excellent story on Max Kellerman and his brother in this week's Sports Illustrated.

I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

Another animal confrontation video: Snake regurgitates hippo!

Remember the one viral video of the federal agent who accidentally shot himself in front of a roomful of schoolchildren?

Follow-up!

For Grizzly Man fans

Here is a McSweeney's piece, "Timothy Treadwell's Screen Test for Cheers."

New Animal Battle!

I haven't done one of these in a while. Who wins: A giant centipede or a mouse?
I think you can guess.

Patrick Fitzgerald and Regis High School

An interesting interview with his alma mater here.

8 flavors of hilarious

But I link it because of the one bit with the stepped-on hand, which reduced me to tears.

Game Six Re-Enacted in RBI Baseball

Simply amazing. Turn your volume up and enjoy.

Leave Harrison Ford's wives alone!

Wow, it really has been the same movie all along.

A three-sentence recipe for a guilty grin

Voila.

Chipper Jones sprained his right ankle in the eighth inning. The Braves' third baseman charged in on Mike Matheny's slow roller with two outs, appearing to get his spikes caught in the soggy field. He grabbed his knee as soon as he went to the ground and rolled around on the field in pain, staying down for several minutes before being helped off.

Shawn Bradley, NBA Bitch

A lowlight reel:

WFAN to stream on the Internet...

This should've happened years ago, like back when I was gonna start living in Boston for 7 years, not now that I'm about to move back to New York. Better late than never, I guess.

Best 30-second bunny re-enactment movie since Pulp Fiction?

Brokeback Mountain.

Here are the rest.

"Give me some bricks! I can wear bricks!"

Very funny and oddly affecting reaction to the unveiling of the plans for the Mets' gorgeous new ballpark.

Even tragic epidemics have their funny historical footnotes.

Yikes. And yikes.

Here is some supporting material.

One of the more clever uses of Flash animation, ever.

Brilliant!

Met-allica!

Well done. This almost makes up for killing napster.

Pretty much what my upcoming summer would look like, but for the bar...

Mike and the Mad Dog are idiots.

Their treatment of the "Enter Sandman" "controversy" is inane even beyond their usual mark. Well done, Matt Cerrone of MetsBlog. By the way, if you're a Met fan and not reading Cerrone's site every day, you are missing out. Great baseball site. Some others I like are David Pinto's Baseball Musings, the Baseball Crank (but only his baseball stuff, not his excess misguided political baggage), Aaron Gleeman and, probably the best of them all, Buster Olney's ESPN Insider blog, even if it isn't free. And, of course, this one.

More fun with this century.

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in
the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

What just happened?

I am scared.

Was this real?

If not, it's a cruel hoax. If so, the Best Damn Sports Show, Period lived up to its name for once:

Update: No, it was fake.

A new blog I think I like quite a bit...

...and one that could lead to a book deal, if this guy plays his cards right.
Update: And by "guy" I meant "girl."

Something I never thought I'd see

Swedish fish as something less than delicious and pleasing.